Have you ever peed in the shower?

Hi Mary!

I promised you I'd do two things after you added me on myspace...tell my friends about your site (which I did). And I also promised that I'd pose a question to the X Chromisontigency. Far be it from me to not do what I said I would do.But I didn't want to send you & the gang a run-o-the-mill question either. So here goes...

There was a discussion had at a place I used to work at that had interesting results. A female manager posed this question to the staff (males & females) to see how they'd answer.

Question: Have you ever peed in the shower?

Keep in mind, the question isn't "Do" you pee in the shower, which may suggest a habitual act, and thereby affect the answer of the question. The question is have you EVER done it. For the record, even though I don't pee in the shower... I have peed in the shower. I guess you could say I was on the dark side of the argument.

If you're interested in how the results of our survey went, I'd be happy to share at your request.
Thanks to all of you for the cool site. And happy holidays (Merry Xmas) to all.

Later,
Jp

LAUREN

Funny enough, I have peed and sort of continue to do so. I try to finish up my business before I scrub my naughty bits, but sometimes, you gotta go.

ASH

Yes. But not since I was a child, because now, being OCD, it would gross me out too much and I wouldn't feel clean all day.

I would like to point out that there is an episode of Seinfeld that deals with this topic. "Different pipes go to different places!"

WHITNEY

Have I ever peed in the shower? Yes, yes I have and I'd do it again. In the words of George Costanza, "It's all pipes!!"

NESSA

That's quite the conversation for a manager to have with her staff. She is lucky she has cool employees. A lame person might make a big deal about it.

Are you peeing because you were warm? This is a common thing children do. Or are you too lazy to step out of the shower and pee the toilet? Or are you just getting off on peeing in the shower?

I have never peed in the shower.

MARY

I think this question is fucking hilarious. It is also fucking hilarious that Whitney, Ashley and myself all immediately started thinking about that Seinfeld episode. Nerds.

My first reaction is "Sure, who hasn't?" Isn't it sort of a rite of passage as a child when no longer forced to be bathed by a parent? "I'm in here all by myself. I could do whatever I want!" Then I received Nessa's response. She not only hasn't peed in the shower, she doesn't understand the urge to do so. Interesting. Everyone is different and has different urges. I think the warm water was definitely a factor when I have peed in the shower. It was also when I was much younger.

I always have to pee right when I wake up. I don't get in the shower immediately in the morning. I go make coffee and play to the interweb first. My tank is empty when I am in the shower so I don't feel the urge.

I also like to take long, relaxing baths. That could be a bit gross if I have been peeing in the tub.

Yes, I have peed in the shower. No, I don't pee in the shower as an adult. Mainly because I am the one that has to clean the bathtub. At least I have a brush to clean the toilet.

I write back to JP aka Jeff and asked him for the results of his survey. I had to know how it all came out. Pun intended. His results have made me suspicious of my male roommate. I am going to stop taking baths.

The results for our survey follows. I'm a little bummed, though. I called Joyce (the manager who posted the poll) & she threw the original poll away a while ago. I had hoped to scan a picture for you to show the validity. You'll just have to take a stranger's word that he's not a pervert I guess. Anyhoo, I had e-mailed the results to a bunch of my friends for a laugh so I still have the results. I've put initials to protect the staff. You can put my name in bright lights for all I care. I'm a pisser & I'm proud of it damn it! Also, i've put the gender in () for statistical purposes.

Have peed in the shower:
JG (F)
TS (M)
JZ (F)
CA (M)
JP (M-this is me)
AR (M)
SG (M-also wrote that he pooped in the shower-hopefully kidding)
DA (F)
EF (M)
AS (M)
JS (M)
MA (F)

Never have peed in the shower:

BG (M)
RB (M)
MA-R (F)
SA (F)
JH (F)
LH (F- wrote that she thinks this poll is gross and now has new opinion for certain co- workers)
AW (M)
JV (F)
LB (F)

Total pee-ers: 12 (8 males, 4 females)
Total wait until I get out-ers: 9 (6 females, 3 males)

This questions has piqued my curiosity. Now I can't stop asking people if they pee in the shower. I may continue to add results from women I ask.

Carrie

Here's my deal with peeing in the shower....it usually happens when I have to shower right away in the morning on a work day. I don't want to pee, flush the toilet and wait for the toilet to run it's course. It's easier to just hop in the shower, pee while I'm washing my hair that way I'm not waiting for the low pressure scalding water from the toilet flush to calm down, and I'm killing a few birds with one stone.

A very good point Carrie! Thank you!

Do The Super-Chicks Represent?

Running short on Interrogators, huh?

Okay, I've got a question for the CNGs:

I hear a lot of talk about strong women in comics, and certainly the Luna Brothers and Dan Clowes and guys like that who do very realistic stuff write very well-rounded female characters...

But what about in the more mainstream books? I personally think that Brian Reed (and Bendis) write Ms. Marvel as a complex, flawed, and ultimately heroic character...but she's still built on the Frank Cho Male Ideal, physically. I also thought Dan Slott did a great job with She-Hulk, particularly in really exploring the dichotomy between the Champion and the Girl...and at least Jen Walters is sort of "average-looking" when she's in her human form....

Or does the "male-centric" physical depiction bother you at all?

(I can't speak to DC characters cuz I don't read that crap.)

Deena Pilgrim, yes. I think we can all agree that she's one of the most interesting and real-world-seeming female characters in graphic adventure fiction...and we can add in Jessica Jones/Alias as well...but aside from the mighty Bendis's ladies, what do you guys really think about how most women are portrayed in mainstream (superhero?) comics?

And if you're largely dissatisfied, what do you think could be done to improve the situation?

Yr Pal,
(who is currently writing a central female character in a comic and who might be asking this for completely selfish reasons)
JB Love

CUTE NERD GIRL SPECIAL COLUMNIST ASHLEY!

This is something that I don't really think about all that much, and after giving it some consideration, I realized why: When I look for characterization, I'm mainly looking for whether the writer can pull off human or not. To look for whether a character is appropriately male or female almost seems sexist to me (though your question seems very considerate); it assumes that all males or all females would think and say and do the same things. But if you can get human down, then everything else should just fall into place. Ideally. Although speaking from experience, I know how difficult it can be to write for a male. Good writers can pull it off, though.

As for Deena, God I love her. Mainly because her spontaneous and quirky personality kind of reminds me of me. I remember a line of hers once--something like, "I always wear these little belly shirts. That's gotta do something for you." Sounded so like something I would say.

Also, I don't read an awful lot of mainstream stuff. But another great female character I enjoy is Tulip from Garth Ennis' Preacher.

LAUREN

Couple of my most recent favorites are Ed Brubaker's Catwoman and Brian K. Vaughn's Agent 355 from Y: The Last Man. Well, any woman from Y is fairly realistic and written brilliantly. I don't think Mr. Vaughn can do any wrong. Although Supergirl from the late 80s always kind of bugged the shit of out me because of her devotion to Lex, and the complete lack of brains that they gave her...I know he made her from protoplasm post-crisis, but still...I will say the Kara Zor-El that Jeph Loeb wrote in the Superman/Batman series is stupendous.

As for Marvel, I have way too much catching up to do, so I can't really say.

MARY

I totally agree with Lauren about 355 & Y. Poor 355! I actually cried out "Fuck no!" when she got shot while sitting by myself in my apartment. I had tears in my eyes at the end of Y #58. 355 bit the dust already. Now Deena from Powers is going to die next....it's a bad time to be one of my favorite kick ass comic chicks.

Also, Ashley? Deena reminds me of me. That Bendis bastard is some kind of writer.

I like pretty much all of the female X-Men (of course the Ultimate X-Men Bendis touched.) I have moved away from X-Men these days though. I will love Phoenix/Jean Grey until the day I die as well as Rogue.

Bendis and B.K.V. are my bests for female portrayals. I love every woman Bendis has ever written, of course. B.K.V.'s Runaways was awesome. That being said, Joss Whedon can write the fuck out of some ladies in everything he does. I like all the female characters in Warren Ellis's Nextwave too.

In the end, the "male-centric" physical depiction doesn't bother me at all. Have you checked out the male superheroes in mainstream books? Do any of you look like them?

Huge C.N.G. thanks to Ashley. She will be chiming in on the site when she has time



I think I am going to cry.

Comics I forgot!

I am a jerk. I am also a voracious reader that cannot make only a single post about web comics I read.

I love Taki Soma: you'll never die...

She's beautiful, talented and leaving the icy tundra of Minnesota behind. She will be missed!

That is one you all should check out.

I didn't link this last post either. I had the incorrect web address. The fine Cartoonist Conspirators have already fixed that. I recommend starting with the early strips and reading the whole way through. I did it. Now you can too! Here's Schmapples!

His imaginary girlfriend character was part of my inspiration for Ask a Cute Nerd Girl along with the Powers contest, of course.

REST IN PEACE, ERIC. October 22, 1978 - July 23, 2007

What online comics do nerdy girls enjoy?

We received two very similar questions. I decided to answer them together.

Question 1

hi mary, while i'm not strictly a bastard, here's one for you:

xkcd is one of my favorite online comics, what online comics do nerdy girls enjoy?

chrisw

Question 2

Dear C.N.G.P,

I'm a big fan of webcomics (sooo happy to see Beaver & Steve on your site!). Over the last 5 years, I've amassed more than 100 in a special bookmarks-folder. 80% of which I check every day, usually starting while enjoying my cup of tea before heading to work. So,yeah, I'm deeply in love with the artform.

Now my question is: are any of you into webcomics and if so, which ones do you consider to be the most awesome? And what makes them appealing to you?In quiet anticipation to your answers, I remain,

Rembrand Le Compte
www.mindbase21.be/mic

WHITNEY

My all time favorite webcomic is Perry Bible Fellowship: pbfcomics They're fucking hilarious.

Other honorable mentions include Penny-Arcade also spamusement where cartoons are drawn from the subject lines of spam emails. I know it doesn't sound that funny but it is, trust me.

NESSA

I don't read any web comics.

LAUREN

I have been reading Achewood recently: Achewood

I am making attempts to read more, I swear!

MARY

I waste me a fair amount of time on webcomics. I love it as an art form. I love blogs though too so who would listen to me? I was thinking about starting my own comic, then I won the Powers contest. Now I am all about questions and answers these days. I want to be the new dirty, nerdy Dear Abby.

I am a big fan of all the work done by Natalie Dee and her husband Drew of Toothpaste for Dinner I think I love Natalie Dee because she reminds me of myself. Her comics tend to mirror my thoughts. Drew is more solid comedy. I enjoy the comic they do together quite a bit: Married to the Sea

I love xkcd It is a very nerdcentric comic.

I read explosm but I don't always love it. I also read Penny-Arcade and Achewood like the previous ladies said. I love pbfcomics and beaverandsteve Beaver and Steve gives me good smiles that I need in my life.

I read lots of webcomics people I know make too. My friend Matt is the creator of Zed Reckoning Zombie Grotto

I started reading Ryan Dow's Introspective Comics after he wrote to me. Same goes for Daniel Olson's bewildered kid I will probably start reading Rembrand's comic now too: Make it Count

My friend Henry has a web comic that is much funnier if you have ever worked in home shopping. Chess with Birds His comic is often only funny to him which is kind of what he was going for when he started it. I am in it sometimes. He is my at work "boyfriend" so we see each other quite a bit.

There are so many I stop by and visit. I could list forever...ok only two more:

soapythechicken and catandgirl

Now some of my favorites of all time:


toothpastefordinner.com


nataliedee.com


marriedtothesea.com

Trend of nerdcentric fall television?

What do the Cute Nerd Girls think of the trend of nerdcentric fall television? The shows I am mainly thinking of are Chuck, Reaper and Big Bang Theory with their super nerdy leading men. I am also wondering what you think of Journeyman, Bionic Woman and Pushing Daisies for as recent sci-fi additions to the television lineup.

Love,
Casey

NESSA

With the writers strike, we may all be watching reruns soon.

I watched an episode of The Big Bang Theory. I thought it sucked. If they want to appeal to nerds or make fun of us, they should be more clever in their writing. Watch Fear of Girls 1 & 2 Those are both far funnier and much more clever.

I would rather watch a good sci-fi show than a show about nerds. I can see nerds in their natural habitat any time I want. I do have to say and you may be sick of hearing it but every good sci-fi that makes it to prime time gets canceled completely or picked up by the Sci-Fi channel.

As for the others, I have not seen them but I hear Pushing Daisies is good.

LAUREN

Praise Jebus, about time!!

I love how being nerdy is finally back in the mainstream. I think most of the public is sick of reality shows and the "look how these extremely rich and stupid people live" programs that currently litter the networks.

One can only watch so many vapid humans before the bile takes hold.

MARY

I hate Journeyman, which is now irrelevant since it is canceled.

I hate Chuck. That guy annoys the piss out of me.

I find Big Bang Theory a bit insulting.

I like Reaper more than Pushing Daises. I like them both alright. They are kind of the same show. Wasn't this show called Dead Like Me a couple years ago? I liked it then too.

I thought I would like Bionic Woman more than I do. I suppose Katee Sackhoff as evil bionic is almost enough to make me like it since she is my super secret girlfriend & all.

The only upcoming television I am excited to see right now is my other girlfriend, Summer Glau as a Terminator in Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles

This makes me smile

Sorry for not posting as of late. I have been attending to "personal business".

Cute Nerd Girl may move to a biweekly posting to improve quality.

Write me some goddamn questions, you bastards.

Love you,
MaryPants

Han Solo vs. Malcolm "Mal" Reynolds?

Who would win in a fight: Han Solo vs. Malcolm "Mal" Reynolds?

The only rule would be that it can’t end in a tie. I need some clear cut reasoning as well. The fanboy in me can’t choose either one at the moment. I NEED YOUR HELP!

Rob Hughes
Blackboard Specialist

Lauren

If the said fight was a fist fight: Mal would be the clear winner. He was in the military and on the losing side of the war meaning there was a lot of fighting going on. He seeks trouble in various locales that require the use of his fists. Han Solo, however, is a smart ass smuggler with a blaster that would be terrible mano e mano. He would take out his weapon mid fight just to get outta there 'cause there's cargo to haul and he needs to get paid!

But if there were weapons involved: Han Solo, no doubt. He fires so recklessly and without much thought who will die that he would be a clear winner.

Nessa

Hands down Mal. While they are both clever and tough, Mal is a leader. He fought as a Sargent in the battle of Sturges and as Captain in the battle of SerenityValley which are two of the most bloodiest battles against the Alliance during The Unification War.

Plus kick ass woman like Zoe and River have his back.

Whitney

A tough match. Both have their own ship, rugged good looks, and three-letter names. My first instinct would be to say that these two would throw a few punches, realize they are one and the same and go share a few smuggling stories over a brewski. But since a tie is not in order, I'd have to say Han since he would shoot first!

Mary

Mmmm...oh, fuck! Oh please...give it to me, fuck yes fuck yes fuck yes fuck yes fuck!

Oh. Um. Sorry. I heard Han vs. Mal. I started imagining myself as a Chinese fingertrap between the two...I'm sure you understand...

Mal wins because Joss based him off of Han.

Joss was trying to make Mal into the evolved Han of the future therefore Mal beats Han.

Han still wins for being the original Han.

HUGE CUTE NERD GIRL WELCOME!

We have our first cute nerd girl apply to be a CNG columnist. Cute Nerd Girls were polled:

Lauren

She seems like a pretty good nerd to me.

Nessa

Love her. She is perfect.

Mary

I was pretty much decided when I saw her myspace headline of:

"I'm going to eat your brains and gain your knowledge"

BEST RECENT ZOMBIE MOVIE FTW IYF!

Everyone, meet Whitney. Whitney, meet everyone.

Whitney's Clank

Whitney made a fucking Clank action figure She is a damn crafty nerd like the three of us.

ONE OF US!
ONE OF US!
ONE OF US!
ONE OF US!

See? Somehow Powers 27 brought Cute Nerd Girls together.

Let us all snuggle on that for a moment.

More diamond information

I did some further investigating about cruelty free jewelry. I sent out this email to a couple different companies:

I was recently telling a friend of mine that a way to ensure quality jewelry guaranteed to be cruelty free was to purchase from Canada.

We are curious if you could inform us of the practices of your company. We know that Canada has admirable diamond laws. How do the rest of the gemstones fair?

Thanks for answering our nosy questions. We both are concerned about the jewelry we wear and want to research this as much as possible! I am sure you understand the idea of having "happy" jewelry.

Thanks again,

Mary

I received an awesome, quick response from this company:

Nathan Hennick

Good Morning Mary,

Yes, you can truly say that Canada makes “happy” jewelry!

Our labor laws and humanity regulations are stronger and more regularly enforced
than many other countries around the world.  The practices of our company hold true
to that statement.  We employ a wide variety of ethnic backgrounds and only the
most meticulous, talented craftsmen in the industry.  The jewelry industry puts
measures in place to protect consumers from illicit materials and we as a part
of our mission statement hold true to those laws and expectations. 

All gemstones as well as the diamonds we use are purchased through trusted sources
and are guaranteed to be conflict free.

Consumers today who ask questions to better understand what they are supporting
are not being nosy – they are doing their part to maintain honesty and integrity
within the industries they acquire merchandise from.

Our collections are not only “happy” they are blissful

Seasons Greetings,

Tyler

There you have it.

If your girl must have a diamond, do the world a favor and buy Canadian!

Frida Kahlo exhibit

Ryan Dow took me to the Frida Kahlo exhibit at the Walker Art Museum yesterday.

It was pretty fucking cool to see works of art I had admired in art history books a mere six inches away from
my face. It was amazing how much of a difference in depth I could see in real life. That's some quality brushwork,
Frida!

If you live in Minneapolis, you should check it out. It runs until 1/20/2008.

Walker Art

Thanks for taking a Cute Nerd Girl out for an interesting afternoon, Ryan!

Craftacular Saturday!

I need new questions to answer. Send them to me. I demand it! Don't force me to make them up. Dear Abby used to do it all the time...

If it is still Saturday morning when you are reading this and you live in Minneapolis, you should head on down to the 3rd Annual Winter Craft Sale at Midtown Global Market.

No Coast Craft-O-Rama

I am planning to purchase all my holiday gifts this morning there. If there are any objections, I am prepared to scream "It is handmade! By an artist! You support local art, don't you?"

You should join me in crafty heaven!

Why do women like diamonds so much?

Why do women like diamonds so much?

-Bud

Muscles and Fights!

Nessa

Most girls like sparkly things. That being said, a girl who wants diamonds is misinformed and would not want them so much is she knew what it takes to get them here.

I would never want a diamond.

Mary

Diamonds pay my paychecks. I also (unfortunately) know far more than I would like to about this subject. I would never wear one. Nessa is not fooling about the "no diamonds" rule either. Her engagement/wedding band has a lovely chrome diopside.

Women like diamonds because De Beers spends $150 million per year on advertising in order to hypnotize them into diamond craving zombies.

It is a symbol of love and commitment. It. Just. Fucking. Is.

De Beers has been very successful in increasing the desire for diamonds. The famous advertising line "A Diamond is Forever" tells women that diamond = love.

It is also a bit of a campaign attempting to discourage diamond owners from putting their older diamonds onto the secondary market.

Some of the other campaigns started by De Beers include:

The "eternity ring" a symbol of continuing affection and appreciation.

The "trilogy" ring representing the past, present and future of a relationship.

The "right hand ring" which is to be purchased and worn by women signifying independence.

De Beers made diamonds available to the regular folks rather than the super wealthy. Through their near-monolithic control of diamond mining and distribution, they have done much to create a fairly stable market for diamonds.

Most women are unaware of the role diamonds play in peoples' lives in the countries around the world where diamonds are sourced. Nowhere is this more evident than in Africa. It is also in Africa that this same resource has been used to fund conflict. In 2000, a coalition of governments, non-governmental organizations and the diamond industry worked together to address this issue. In 2002, they established the Kimberley Process Certification System. Who knows if this will end the use of conflict diamonds in the world marketplace. I think it probably still too soon to say for certain.

The other factor even if the Kimberley Process is successful is where the diamond mines are located. Do you think the 65% of the world's diamond mines that are located in Africa are nice places to work? De Beers currently holds a legal exemption in South Africa from the mandatory dust suppression method of spraying water when drilling, on the grounds that the dust in its mines is uniquely harmless. However, dust in a diamond mine can cut and scar the lungs of mineworkers.

De Beers enjoys a monopoly in Botswana and almost virtual monopoly in diamond supply in the rest of the world. There are other diamond mines owned by small companies with less control on the market. None of the companies are owned by Africans.

One option is colored gemstones like Nessa did. Many colored stones are much rarer than diamonds of comparable size and quality, especially rubies, sapphires and emeralds. Any gemstones other than diamonds also tend to be mined for in a more traditional manners.

Another option is Canadian diamonds. Almost all conflict-free diamonds today originate in Canada. During the 1990s, diamond rich areas were discovered in Northern Canada. Canada has been involved in many activities that have been helping the poverty and suffering in Africa even before diamonds were discovered in Canada. Only diamonds that are certified and can be traced from the mine to the consumer are conflict-free diamonds. Conflict diamonds are still being sold today into the international diamond market as clean diamonds.

Now I feel the need to point this out. De Beers is the good diamond company. De Beers is responsible for around 40% of world diamond production by value, 70% of the diamond mines in Africa. Anything not from De Beers or Canadian is pretty much straight from the mafia. We all know the mafia does not hold cruelty-free processes in high regard.

All diamond companies keep a certain amount of diamonds off the market in order to increase the value and demand. There truly are a crapload of diamonds. They are not that rare. Hell, you can even find them here in the good ol' U.S. of A....

Crater o' Diamonds State Park.

Is this what your woman wants on her finger to symbolize your love to her for the rest of your lives? God, I hope not. If she still wants one, ask her if this is what love looks like to her:



Of course conflict diamonds aren't as much of a global problem as conflict oil. Oil isn't supposed to symbolize love either though. Diamonds we can all easily live without. If she still wants a diamond after seeing that, ask her to email me. I will try to change her mind. Tell her she needs beautiful handmade jewelry instead. It is guaranteed to be one of a kind. This is what Nessa & I wear: BMF Jewelry

Lauren

Personally, I really don't care much for them. Don't get me wrong; I have seen my share of exorbitant and gorgeous diamonds in my day that I probably can't make myself say no to. If the stone is clear enough, the facets shine so brightly and with so many prisms I don't know many who would decline a princess or a triangle cut bauble. Maybe it's the notion of fabulousity that comes with such a regal mineral. Have you ever put a sparkly, large diamond ring on your finger and not felt a little more upper crust? I almost put stuff about the diamond mines in mine too, but I noticed that Mary had already noted it...

Hopefully that prevents people from buying those practically worthless gems. Or at least be a little more ethical about it.

Danno -the Married Nerd Boy Opinion:

Diamonds are one the precious elements. One of the elements that can be cut and molded and last throughout the ages. Like bronze, diamonds will be around millions and billions of years from now after human beings are nothing but a horrible memory.

So to answer your question: women like diamonds because they can be sculpted into the best, most immortal, most sensual dildos ever created.

Where do Cute Nerd Girls meet guys? Part Deux

Hey, Ladies!

When Mary gets a second from fending off Myspace predators...

Where do Cute Nerd Girls meet guys?

I have the singular misfortune of being allergic to alcohol, so bars are kind of out. Plus I live in a small city that has very few 'cool' bars, anyway. Do CNG's really meet guys online? Or is it still something to be avoided?

Your thoughts...

Yr New Longtime Fan,
JB Love
Savannah, Ga.
http://www.thehouseofjasonlove.blogspot.com/.

Nessa

You can definitely meet them online. You have to willing to travel to get to them. Think about cities that are a reasonable distance to get to from where you are. (4-6 hrs max.)

Lauren

Well, after doing some research and knowing that I have never been to Savannah and her environs, I don't really know what to say. I found this page:

http://atlantahappenings.creativeloafing.com/gbase/BestOf/BestOfAwards

Here's the main page: http://atlanta.creativeloafing.com/gyrobase/index

I think what Mary and Nessa said in the past question about internet sites and comic shops in the area is probably a good idea. And conventions, trade shows, coffee shops, concerts, free lectures at the local college...

Mary

This is an extension of yesterday's question. Do something you enjoy and love doing. That alone can be attractive to women. You may need to live in a larger city if you can't find people interested in the same sort of things you are interested in. Google your interests to find out where things you are into are occurring. I know this may sound vague but how the fuck do I know what you are into?

I think Ryan Dow summed up exactly what I am trying to say quite nicely in the comments for yesterday's question:

"The only thing I would like to add is...Find some other reason, other than meeting women, to get out of the house."

That is some sound advice Ryan! See this comment to yesterday's question here: comment

I also still recommend getting a bike. You won't regret it. Mark Twain says so. You trust Mark Twain, don't you?

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it. If you live." - Mark Twain, Taming the Bicycle

Maybe you can hang out with your citys' critical-mass girls if you discover you like biking!

How does one go about finding and meeting cute nerd girls?

So you've established what the "cute nerd girl" looks for in a guy (or at least what two cute nerd girls look for), the next logical question would be how does one go about finding and meeting them? I ask, because after quite a bit of effort, I've had little luck. Plus the whole social awkwardness trait tends to hinder actually meeting them even once they have been located. And if you're inclined, how would I go about this in the Minneapolis area specifically? Since I live there, and I imagine you'd be uniquely qualified to offer advice on that topic. Or hell, any just general advice on meeting women would be a plus. Everything after that I think I have a handle on, but without that crucial first part it's all moot.

Matt

Nessa

I would say:

1) CONvergence http://www.convergence-con.org/ and the other events that they run through out the year. Plus all the proceeds from the events go to promote reading programs in grade schools with an emphasis on sci-fi reading. You could try OmegaCON http://portal.omegacon.us/ It is a pajama party. Any CON will have nerd girls of all shapes, sizes and cuteness.

2 )Try Grumpy's, the local watering hole for cute nerdy girls of Minneapolis. Karaoke or trivia night are usually good.

3) If you don't drink, try events at DreamHaven, the bookstore Neil Gaiman frequents. When he shows up, it is sure to bring all the cute nerd girls out of the woodwork.

4) If your shy start with http://www.livejournal.com/ you can talk before any awkward public meeting.

I hope you find your cute nerd girl.

Lauren

I found a good share of cute nerdy girls and boys at Booksmart, the downtown Mpls library, Magers and Quinn, and of course, the comic shop. But those are probably obvious. Ride a bike around town; there's a plethora of cute nerd girls that like to cruise on their wheels in the warmer months.

And it provides you with a great conversation starter:

"Is that a vintage Schwinn?"

Mary

First off, you must leave your house. Now, now...calm yourselves. I am not mocking. I don't leave my house as often as I should either. I am with you. Every time I do I am guaranteed to meet people, be it good or bad. You have to take them together. It's a hard knock life. I hate it too. Nobody likes it.

Problem two would be as stated above. I am not available to the public often. I work two jobs. I went to an amazing M.I.A. concert @ First Ave last Tuesday. I followed her to her afterparty @ Foundation. Powers came out Wednesday. I did go to Grumpy's with my roommate on Wednesday to meet our friend for his birthday and to celebrate Powers. I worked tons of overtime hours through the holiday weekend. Nessa was in town for Thanksgiving. On Saturday I worked on her photo shoot with her. I was a model, featured as the role of random homeless lady. Her friend Chelsea lent Nessa her children for the shoot. (Photos to follow! Bug her, not me.)

In that timespan of last Tuesday until today I have written back to a countless amount of Powers readers. All the hate mail has gone to Bendis. I find that very endearing. Thank you, MaryPants haters!

See what I mean? Nerd girls are busy. We have an equal amount of hobbies and interests. That would be what makes a nerd girl a nerd girl.

The internet is a semi-viable option for meeting us. Hell, I never would have written to Bendis! if he hadn't been so damn available for my amusement @ work during some random downtime on myspace. Nessa is right about http://www.livejournal.com/ There is also the fine sponser of Ask a Cute Nerd Girl and Memoirs of a Master Control Operator on Blogger

It depends on what site you go to:

otakubooty

Places where there are artistic things for the public to view are always a good venues. Especially if they are free. Anywhere, anyhow...there are nerd girls at free events. We tend to rebel against money orientation, I've noticed. Or we are broke artists, writers, film/television makers...

I recommend movies in the park for your local area during the summertime.

Lauren & I don't live in the same city now. She doesn't know what I ride since my bike was stolen. Here is my bike of current:


My best advice for meeting nerd women would be to do what you are good at. Hopefully someone will think it is hot.

Powers questions!

I went to the Source (my LCS) and a guy told me that the person who won the contest was a fellow Minnesotan, from the Twin Cities no less. Very cool.

My questions are as follows...

1) Do you think Deanna can get out of her mess? It looks bad for her.

2) Wouldn't you love to see a Powers cartoon? Even my wife thought that might be a cool thing. (I'm slowly breaking her into comics and Powers in general)

3) Don't you think that powers should have a storyline that takes place her in the Twin Cities? I swear we should be better represented in comics.

4) What do think of New Avengers and Mighty Avengers? I myself like them and am a long standing Avengers nut, but others have their opinions, whats yours?

Thanks for your time, and congrats.


~Tymm

Mary

Hi Tymm!

I am answering these questions all on my own. Lauren isn't caught up on Powers. Nessa doesn't read comics. Ask her about Star Trek.

I bet it was Nick at the Source. We got to hang out at FallCon. He let me in for free there so I could meet Oeming.

I have no idea what is going to happen to Deena. It really doesn't look good for her. I see a toe tag.

Powers 28

Bendis is killing her off in Powers 28. I am going to cry and cry and cry. I am crying already. I can't handle it. I love her so fucking much.

Goddamn Bendis! *shakes fist*

Wait a minute, I still love the real life Bendis more than the fictional Deena he created. I forgive him. Plus I love me some Bendis plot tease.

Tease me Bendis, tease me...

2) I would love to see a Powers cartoon! I think finding a network that would show it would be a challenge.

Thanks for telling us about breaking in your wife to comics. I also recommend Runaways if you are trying to get her to like comics. Chicks dig kids.

3) Fuck yes! I think that there should be a Powers comic based in the Twin Cities with me in it as a character. Bendis can kill me off and make the MaryPants haters happy.

We are very well represented in local comics.

Here are the comics from the Minneapolis 24 hour comic day or check out some of my links.

International Cartoonist Conspiracy

They tend to be hilarious.

One of my lifelong best friends creates this out of MPLS:

Zed Reckoning

4) Do New Avengers and Mighty Avengers have Brian Michael Bendis's name on the cover?

That is all I takes for my opinion to be very high. I am a whore for Bendis, what can I say?

Thanks for writing to me Tymm!

Powers love...

Below are emails that one of my fanboys named Joel and I have been having since he read the letter column. Thought you may enjoy it. I have been doing nothing but emailing all the myspacers that liked the column. I am planning to review the newest Powers in an upcoming post with a few questions I have gotten.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Joel
Date: Nov 23, 2007 6:58 PM

Nice work on the Powers column! I hope he lets you keep on..

Joel

Me fucking too. There I many things I wish Bendis would let me do. His letter column is only one. For slightly nice less Bendis style Q.A. Ask a Cute Nerd Girl

Joel added me on myspace. I saw this bulletin soon after:

Lou Gosett Jr.

From: Joel
Date: Nov 24, 2007 6:17 PM

I just met that guy in my store...cool cat...very nice guy. Go rent some of his movies so he can get more royalty money to come in here and spend.

That is all.

Thanks you.
Joel

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: MaryPants
Date: Nov 25, 2007 3:58 PM

Fucking rad! What is your store?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Joel
Date: Nov 25, 2007 3:18 PM

Generic pet store of Indiana..it's really some guy named Mr. Wilson's store..I'm just the store manager.

Lou Gossett Jr.'s cool. His cousin introduced us and I was kind of on the run..I almost threw my hand out and said "Really? Nelson Mandela..pleased to meet you." I looked up to see it was really him before I stuck that foot in my mouth.

What do you think this new Retro Girl's plan is, by the way..?

Ha!

Seeyalater

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: MaryPants
Date: Nov 25, 2007 5:12 PM

I am working on my post for ask a cute nerd girl about new Powers now. Bendis is such a goddamn tease! How are we supposed to wait?

Powers is all I have thought about for the last five days. I do have every Powers fan in the world writing to me though. I have never been on myspace like this before in my life. That's why I saw your bulletin right away. The headline made me click on it. I should stop replying to email from Powers fans and review the new Powers. I like you merely from your page though. You are funny. I am not answering your question here. It goes on my lame ass blog for every other fanboy to see.

Are you one of the jinxworld board posters that thinks I am fake?

Are you a fish tank guy? I have a fish tank that desperately needs cleaning. Read whatever you want into that.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Joel
Date: Nov 25, 2007 4:22 PM

I guess I am kinda a fish tank guy..kind of like a cross between Jacque Costeau and Deuce Bigelow..probably sex drive of the former and the build and knowledge of the latter;)

I'm sure i could answer any fish type questions you might have so for answers of those..hit me up any time..

The new POWERS is excellent..Bendis kills Deena and that would be a bum deal..he needs to kill the new cop instead..just my thoughts..always whinin' about this and that..
On Jinxworld I'm just "Joel" I think..been so long since I posted. I still check it all the time, though..I could be jacardinal or indianamafia there..uncertain..

I like you, too.. pretty funny yourself..I need to check your blog!..gonna do that soon.

Seeyalater

Joel

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: MaryPants
Date: Nov 25, 2007 6:14 PM

I hate the new cop too.

I am plain ol' MaryPants on jinxworld. I have posted twice. I am more of an internet lurker/observer. I hate the petty bickering on boards. Like the whether or not I am real debate. Or the comic journal site posting I quote in my blog somewhere. Oh here it is!
cute nerd girl!

Will you let me post our emails on my page? I see you are "in a relationship" so that is why I ask. I am trying to prove I am real still. I won't feel bad if you say no...

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Joel
Date: Nov 25, 2007 5:21 PM

you can post anything you'd like..you can even make some good shit up about me if you want!

;D

Joel

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: MaryPants
Date: Nov 25, 2007 6:28 PM

Awesome! I am way too worn out from emailing fanboys today to review Powers. I feel like I should publish something. You seem like an easy out if you don't mind me saying so. :P

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Joel
Date: Nov 25, 2007 5:32 PM

..gas, ass, grass, or cash, Mary..nobody rides for free.;)

Joel

Okay..you're right..I'm easy.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: MaryPants
Date: Nov 25, 2007 6:35 PM

I have ass and grass to offer. No gas sorry!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Joel
Date: Nov 25, 2007

Then grass and ass will just have to do..actually that's enough to get you into my top friends..you must understand, though, that from a socioeconomic standpoint, the petroleum would have gotten you into the "Top 8".

;)

Cheers!
Joel

There you are, a real conversation between a real Bendis Board Bastard and a very real MaryPants. That is all for today kids. Thanks for writing to me and liking my letter column so much. You all are wearing me out. I don't mind! This has been a lot of fun.

Now to quote the Powers 26 letter column:

BENDIS!
It's so funny that some people think I have "people" who do things for me. I makes me feel like I should have people. I don't know where you would get people. How do I get a people?

Hmm....be your awesome Bendis self and some cute nerd girl named Mary may just land in your lap? What do you all think? Shouldn't I be Bendis's people?

What a cute nerd girl looks for in a boy? Part II...the saga continues..

I am only updated a couple things today. Sorry. I have been deluged with emails from the Powers column. I have only had responses from people that liked it so far. I am not going to lie. They are all men. I am sure you are shocked.

Lots of people seem to doubt my existence. Bendis does quite a bit of work on those comic things he does. Do you really think he would have time to make up myspace and blogger pages to sham you all through some sort of elite social engineering letter writing column tactic? He is a genius but I doubt he could make me up.

I think. I am starting to doubt my own existence. Maybe I am a figment of Bendis's imagination.

That would be pretty fucking awesome. I wrote to him to ask:

Hey handsome,

Everyone one the damn internet thinks you made me up. I have determined there is no possible way to prove I am real. I am starting to think I may be a figment of your imagination. My hold on reality is precarious.

Some fanboy offered to fly me to his city. I declined. Pretty sure that one may be one of those scary myspace men you warned me about.

Thanks again Brian. I adore you!

MaryPants

BRIAN1138@aol.com to me

show details 4:08 PM (13 minutes ago)

Reply

In a message dated 11/23/2007 8:10:14 A.M. Pacific Standard Time
Mary writes:

I am starting to think I may be a figment of your imagination.

i think that almost every day :)

have fun with your big debut!

BENDIS! JINXWORLD for BENDIS NEWS and MESSAGEBOARD
www.myspace.com/brianmichaelbendis


ON WITH THE POST! What a cute nerd girl looks for in a boy? Part II...the saga continues..

I added Nessa's response to the question from a few days ago. I am reposting my response to that question here. I posted was a lame answer whilst I got permission to publish the fuck out of one of my dearest friends, Bree. He's a boy. Named Bree. We each have our cross to bear, I suppose.

He is also my ex boyfriend from 1997 or so. We got in a huge fight that involved our whole group of friends when we broke up. It was awful. He and I hate friend wars to this day because of it. We learned a lot from each other. We are still pretty goddamn close. He is a recovering Warcrack addict. I am very pleased to have him back in my life and out of his apartment. Leave your apartment boys. There's real life out there.

I wanted to give an example of a real life nerdy guy cute nerdy chicks love. Bree is a web designer, photographer and amateur locksmith. He hates myspace but you can still semi-stalk him:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/bree-r/

Beware of goofy pictures of me in there. His current girl Ann is pretty goddamn amazing. I do what I can to keep her around. He is pretty good at doing that on his own though. Stay friends with your ex girlfriend if she is willing to hand out references for you. Girls like references. Plus it says quite a bit about a guy when he can still be pretty close friends with his ex. Except if you are still in love with her or if you are fucking her. That's no good.

Do what you are good at. Hopefully someone will think it is hot.

Powers 27 Letter Column!!

You know I had to publish it. Sorry to those of you here for my normal, slightly helpful? Q.A. column. I am attempting to build an audience now. I can't be as much of a dick as I am to Brian Bendis's audience. We are used to his abuse and love it. Let me know if you would prefer verbal abuse from me and honest advice from Lauren and Nessa. It could be arranged.

I have to preface this with the email I got from Bendis after I sent him my column:

"mary!! you did a great job!! wow! seriously, i didn't know what we were going to get. bravo. but brace yourself for myspace weirdos. i would even tell you to rethink the plug, but you can handle it. you're aces, babe!"

Sweet Jebus did Bendis just tell me I am aces? I am glad I am wearing a wetsuit.

Transcribed for you below is my Powers 27 letter column. I know my Powers fans found me via this but I have a few other readers now that should go buy Powers 27. Not just for my letter column either.

Now you remember the Powers Letter Column Contest? It went a little something like this…

POWERS LETTER COLUMN WRITING CONTEST!!

As has been obvious since Powers moved to Icon, I have long since run out of letter column jokes!! So I thought a bullshit brilliant thing to do would be to make a contest out of having people write the letter column for me!
If you (yes, you!) would like to author an upcoming Powers letter column… meaning that you (yes, you!) get to answer the letters to Powers yourself, in your voice, in your own way… if you’d like to take the letter column as your forum to express yourself to the right-minded, comic-buying public who still buy Powers in single issues, then this is your chance!!
All you need to do is write a 25 word OR LESS (NOT MORE!!) essay on why you (YES YOU!) should be the author of the most influential letter column in my life!
Send your essay to the e-mail or snail mail above! (But honestly, if you send it snail mail I won’t even bother opening it and will probably just give it to my house boy Po Po who will whack off on it and eat it.)
Send in your essay and all of the finalists will be published right here and then a winner will be chosen at random. The winner will be given dozens of letters to choose from,for which he or she, but probably a he it is comics, will be able to craft his genius for all to see.
The winner will not only get the opportunity to allow me more time to fuck up the Marvel Universe but will receive all ten Powers trades signed by me or someone very close by.
So send in your essay today!! Contest ends when I have to write the next one of these fucking things!
And between e-mail, MySpace and psychic powers, I was deluged with responses. Pummeled. But alas there can only be one winner.
And that winner is… MaryPants!!!

Her 25 word essay read like this:

I love all your stuff. That is all.

Oh and by the way I am a girl, hot and I'll have sex with you and your wife. Shit, I'll move into your basement and be your au pair to boot.

And thanks for Powers and Spidey. I fucking love you. Cry myself to sleep. Think of Bendis fucking me.

Now that is how you win a contest!!!

I told Mary she won and she responded with…

Hey genius,

I admit to being almost ridiculous but I need to point this out. I will do anything beyond writing one letter column. I would write all your letter columns from here until eternity. I will give you blow jobs at command. I would still love to fuck you and your wife, of course! Or just you. I won't tell if you won't. I bet that is a change from fanboys that want to blow you.

Oeming is going to be in my city for FallCon. I can't offer myself to him like I would to you though. My weakness is for that writer that make my panties wet. Hey, I like your art too, don't get me wrong. I bought my Powers 25 with your cover art. I love all your words though. Mmmm....sweet words. Jeez...is that too dirty? Oh wait, I am writing to Bendis.

Naked, hot, wet, delicious love,

Mary


OK, so I haven’t been this sexually terrified of a woman since that girl who almost broke my penis during sex in the early nineties. Hi, Kim!!

(Come on, is fucking Savage Dragon going to give a near broken penis shout-out in his column, huh? )

(Editor’s note: But you will find a funny broken penis story in Wonderlost 2 from Image!)

So let’s see if you guys fare any better with her. This is all Mary. I’m not going to edit or anything…

Mary… they are all yours!

Thanks Bendis. You now join the legion of men that are sexually terrified by me. This is why I never had dates in high school, isn't it? Damn.

Jacob Long

My name is Jacob Long. I am a huge fan of yours. I have read almost every Ultimate Spider-Man comic and am working on The New Avengers. Your Spider-Man comics have helped me a lot. I am a lot like Peter Parker (well except for the spider-man thing). I am the nerd at my school and the comics have helped me come through with any problems I have faced before. You have also helped inspire me with writing. I love to write everyday and hope to be able to get a job at Marvel when I am old enough and have had enough experience.

You are my favorite comic book writer. Like I said before I love your work. I was wondering if you could send me an Ultimate Spider-Man comic signed by you (any issue would be fine). I would really appreciate it. I understand if you can't. My address is,

I'm sure you will go far with the benefit of a name like Jacob Long.

You may want to re-read those ULTIMATE SPIDEYS you cherish and admire so much if you think you’re a lot like Peter Parker. Consider the following:

**Do you have a HOT girlfriend? If so, is she THE HOTTEST FUCKING GIRL IN SCHOOL???
**Do you have a HOT girl who happens to share your house? If so, is she the SECOND HOTTEST FUCKING GIRL IN SCHOOL???
**Be honest, are any of the 15 year-old girls in your school as smoking hot as they are rendered in ULTIMATE SPIDEY? If so, do they even bother to cross the hallway to spit on you?

THANKS FOR READING ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN!!! A new trade will be out soon. Please delay any suicide attempt this response may unintentionally encourage.

James

I am an avid comic book reader, and a philosophy student at Nottingham University in England. As I'm in my final year of study, I have to write a dissertation and I thought it might be cool to look at the philosophy of a superhero. My ideas are all roughly based around an idea of should superheroes be regulated, or does their very nature mean they have to be vigilantes? So, quite a lot like Civil War in many respects. (I did have another idea, although I think it may be harder to write - Would Superman still be Superman if he hadn't landed in Kansas?)

I have to submit this plan, and a short reading list to get it approved, so I was wondering if, as you work in the comic book/superhero industry, there was any direction I should go in? Do you know of any literature, or have any ideas on this subject yourself, or even know of any comics which discuss this idea? I guess philosophical works don't have to be written in prose in the Eighteenth Century anymore!

Also, if there's any other creators/people that you think I should get in contact with, would it be possible to point me their way?

Obviously you're a busy guy, but I figure the amount of comics you put out a month, you've got to be pretty wired. But anyway, any help you can give me would be really appreciated.

Congratulations on being so close to getting your philosophy degree! Enjoy your future as a parking lot attendant.

Perhaps you should contact Mark Millar instead of Brian Bendis about those interesting ideas you have since he's already fucking done them.

Superman would still be Superman if he hadn't landed in Kansas. Unless he landed in Mexico. Then he would be Fabulosohombre.

David

So I've gone from a kid who never read comics (with the exception of Edlund's original Tick comics-- but they hardly count) to an adult who self consciously calls them graphic novels and, apparently, writes their authors to see when the next edition is coming out. What can I say? You find a copy of THE SANDMAN lying around, next thing you know, your friend is lending your DAREDEVIL. You get copies of POWERS trade paperbacks 1 - 3 and then it's all downhill from there. Good stuff. I've been eagerly awaiting Volume 10 of the POWERS trade paperback. Any word on this? What about 11? I didn't see anything on the FAQ or message boards on your site about this. I suppose I could get the individual comics, but it's just not the same to me.Hope you're well. Thanks for the stories.

If you don't read the individual comics, why the fuck should I answer your letter? How will you see it?

Jesse Holt

I've been searching for a graphic novel that I read as a kid in the early 80's. The bad thing is I don't remember the name or the publisher or even the illustrator. Being that you're deeply entrenched in the world of comics, I was hoping that you might shed some light on this.Can I send you a short description of the graphic novel in the hopes that you might know what it is?Thank you for your consideration.

Don't bother sending a description. The book you were thinking of is 'FISH POLICE'. You had pretty terrible taste as a kid.

Rob Jensen

So much for the "Why I Should Write the Powers Letter Column" contest. I
can't do 25 words or less. So I'll just go onto another subject -- and remember,
I have an inability to get to the point and I just want to remind you that if you're
going to Comic-Con, I'll try to find you at one of your signings and introduce
myself (again -- I've already had you sign my Powers v1 #1, among other comics):

Okay, so it's Wednedsay night, May 9th a full week after The CW announced
its terrible decision to cancel Gilmore Girls. The network walked away from talks
for a shortened 13-episode 8th season to finish up the show even though the so
scorchingly hot-and-funny-you-should-cast-her-as-Jessica-in-the-Alias-movie
Lauren Graham asked the writers to pull back from a big series-ender
storyline because she thought it was going to go another season. And now
I read the letter column in the new issue of Powers (#24, of course -- and is that
guy with the thorny head Jesus or the Antichrist? I'm a little slow on the uptake?)
and I see your quote-of-the-month is Lorelai's expression of her thought processes
as ramble of "Hockey puck, rattlesnake, monkey monkey, underpants!!!!" (great
choice of quote by the way) and I also remember your plug for the Gilmore Girls
DVDs in the column a few months back (and then the plug for Gg DVDs two
years ago.)

So could you just help us at http://www.gilmoregirls.org/ in our efforts to try to uncancel
Gilmore Girls?

I'm NOT asking you to post there or anything because, well, I sure as heck don't
want you to blow any deadlines or anything (not that you would because you're
perfectly capable of writing a gazillion tittles a month), but what we're doing is
various ways of sending real daisies to Dawn Ostroff, President of Entertainment
the CW (and to Lauren and Alexis if you want to)? We've already had a Daisy
Campaign of people pooling their resources through PayPal, but there's also
a Do-It-Yourself version of the campaign called "Operation: Daisy Duke" -- I
named it for all of the Dukes of Hazzard references in the show -- and the
daisies are, yeah, a reference to "Love, Daisies and Troubadours," the finale
of season 1.

All I'm askin' is for you to send your OWN order of yellow daisies, however big
a bouquet you want, through your local florist -- your money, your call, to

Ms. Dawn Ostroff, President of EntertainmentThe CW Television Network4000 Warner Blvd., Bldg 168Burbank, CA 91522-0002

And just help us by reminding them that you're Bendis! and that you're part
of the Great Season 8 Mandate Campaign. It's still a week before the CW's
Upfronts as I'm writing this and I'm guessing from the number of options on
your own stuff that are floating around Hollywood, that they'd recognize you
and that'd be excellent clout to have on our hands given that the show was
cancelled so quickly, so abruptly and so late in the game that even through
Lauren's spin for the studio in interviews, she's clearly upset at the cancellation.

If you know of anyone else in the industry (like, oh, Joe Quesada or that Avon
guy or someone) who likes the show, have them send yellow daisies to Ostroff
or Lauren or Alexis (the latter two via Warner). Any help that you guys could do
fast would help and be greatly appreceiated -- and note: Lorelai's boyfriend Jason
in season 4 was a fan of Spider-Man.

And, hey, with your ability at revealing character through witty comedic dialogue,
ask them if you could script an episode or two of season 8?

PS: What the fuck (see, I can swear) is taking so long with the Jinx movie?

Is Charlize just sitting on it or what? If she is, could you just go give it to Lauren Graham and her own production company, Good Game?

I like thinking about Charlize sitting on things. Things like my face.

Besides Rob, the only people into Gilmore Girls anymore are lesbians, little girls, and bald comic book writers. Don't worry though; Gilmore Girls will be in reruns on Lifetime until the end of days.

Try to thinking of Charlize sitting on my face to get you through the tough times. Always works for me.

Andy Turk
You call 25 words an “essay.” It took you more words to describe the contest. I am sure I could do better than . . . ah, damn!

Nice try Andy! Now only if you had vag and offered to blow Bendis & fuck his wife, I'm sure you could have been a contender.

Sean Godown
IT1(AW) USN

I'm a military member stationed overseas doing my part to fight the war on terrorism. Although not in the frontlines in Iraq, i can say that it definitely is a stressful environment to be in when terrorists are targeting you simply because you are an American. I can tell you with complete confidence that one of the things that eases my mind from the troubles around me has definitely got to be reading comics. You have become a favorite of mine in regards to the work that you do and the talent that you have in your fingers to bring some of the most amazing characters to life! I've been an avid follower of Spiderman and Dare Devil for many years. So it really is remarkable to see how the character develop over the years and what each writer's vision of the characters and plots they put on the storyline. I'm a big fan of your Ultimates work! I've always been fascinated with superheroes since I was a kid and comics was what I grew up reading. Unfortunately they don't have a big selection of comic books on base nor out in town here in Europe. I've always had a passion for drawing myself, but could never get a hang of it.

I know you must get a ton of fan letters and you might not have time to read or respond to them all. I was wondering if there is any possibility you would be willing to send me a signed drawing or signed comic? Or if I sent you a photo or comic book for you to sign if you would do me the honor of signing it for me?? I certainly appreciate you taking the time to read this and considering my request.

My mental image: Sean jerking off in the barracks, half military clad, to a signed Bendis comic like it is a picture of his girl back home.

Jason
Mr. Bendis,
It has come to my attention that your letter writing contest is nothing but a shame. Therefore, I am writing this to formally withdraw my proposal to write your letter column.

PS

I'll write it if you really want.

Fuck you Jason. I am a not a SHAME. Except to my mother. Now if you accused me of being a sham that would be a different story altogether.

Richard Lott
I'm currently working on a comic book idea and I wanted to ask a professional. I'm sure you get this a lot but I was curious what's the best way for an aspiring comic book artist and writer to get into the industry? I've been considering doing a serialized version of the comic book in mind, setting up a website and featuring it as downloadable content in pdf format or something like. What would to suggest? Thank you for your response hopefully,

How to write a comic: Quit writing to comic writers and write a comic instead.

Steven Casey Murray

I'm a big fan of your work, my name is Steven Murray and I'm from Bath in the United Kingdom, I go to University here, doing creative writing.

I was wondering if you could offer me any advice on getting my comic idea's printed? I'd love to work for Marvel as a writer and wondered if you had any advice for UK writers? Maybe you could put in a word for me over here for work experience (wink wink - nudge nudge).

What I really wanted to say was - would you please bring GWEN STACY back into ULTIMATE SPIDERMAN - you made her a great character (making MJ the boring one this time lol) and it was such a shame. You could even work it so that she is Carnage and fights Spiderman, and that would add this huge emotional element to the fight. And then she could get cured and come back as a love threat to MJ, instead of just being killed off again. I love her character soooooooooo much and everyone keeps offing her lol.

If not would you be so kind as to send me a picture of Gwen alive and happy, so I can sob over it every night (please try not to feel guilty as you tear my fave charcter out of one of my fave titles). You could make it out to me.

Dear Steven, here's Gwendie - I'm eternally sorry for the heartache I've caused you,
Brian.

In all seriosness though PLEASE bring her back (you guy's bring back dead characters all the time and I'm not talking clones lol.

I love your work and I loved Gwen in Ultimate Spidey, and I think what I just said would be great, come on you have to admit it? Don't you? lol.

I'd love to hear back from you on any of the comments I've made.

Here is an idea Steven; wallpaper your bedroom with a collage of all your favorite Gwen drawings stuck together with your spooge. Call it your own mixed media art.

Also, I am afraid your use of lol has rendered me sterile. I am pretty sure I felt my ovaries wither and die while reading your letter. Hope you are real proud of yourself for halting a cute nerdy girl from procreating. We are already a fairly short commodity.

spartan.117.72@gmail.comWould you be interest in an unpublished scenario for Ultimate Spider-Man ? We invented a new exclusive character for Marvel Universe. I like your USM very much of course. If you want more precisions please contact us. See you

Thank you to answer

This is written in the now infamous porn junk email writing style:
“Big penis are very hard inside large vagina…I like Man of Spider…U BAI GOLD K THX BAI!”

My interest in seeing your unpublished scenario is low. Especially considering you even can’t write an email. Pretty much, just fuck off.

Now if instead of precisions, you said handjobs, you could have been on your way to success in the comic industry!

hernando diaz
the greeting and I congratulate you by your work in comics.moreover, manifest my admiration towards your work, for this reason ,
i want that you help me with one of my personages. since serious for my an honor.

This is some disturbingly beautiful poetry. I sense an almost a haiku-like quality in the last three lines.

Wyatt Sommers

I am big fan of your work, and I think you awesome writer. I think House Of M and your time on Daredevil were my favorite, but I wanted to ask you something: How did you get into being writer for comics? Did you start off writing for other things beside comics? The reason why I' am asking is because I myself enjoy writing and I hope to one day have my writing published into comic, so I was hoping to see if one of my favorite writers had any ideas how to start in the business of writing for comics.

Only eight people EVER have made a success of being a comic writer. Your chances of getting bird flu are higher. I recommend retail.

Duane Thomas

Hi, fellow free-lance writer here (though I make my living writing articles for gun magazines, not best-selling comic books). Strange, off-the-wall question here, but I have a memory - perhaps the memory equivalent of a hallucination - that at one time you were rumored to have made a proposal for Wild Dog to DC Comics. Actually, though he's certainly one of the more obscure heroes out there, I always had a certain sneaking fondness for Wild Dog, and, one would think, in our post-9/11, War on Terror world, the narrative possiblities for the character seem immense.

Freelance for a gun magazine, eh? Oh, Duane Thomas! Sure, I have read all your stuff. I think you are such a super great writer. I think you are a real nice guy. Or a real badass. Whatever you like better, Duane!

Please don't kill me with the rest of your militia.

Kbuboo1@aol.com
Listen I am a Die hard fan of the halo series. I love the story, and have read all the books. But a horrible mistake has been made that I would like you, being the writer of Halo Uprising to shed some light on. In the final cut scene of halo 2 Master Chief’s gloves had 5 round indentations on them. But at the beginning of the comic book Halo Uprising, which takes place right after the conclusion of Halo 2, he has different gloves which have 3 round indentations on them. Please the Halo story line is very dear to me and I would like an explanation if you can. Please e-mail the explanation back to me.

You’ve never been laid, have you? Eat some pussy and these concerns will melt away. Or accept that your overanalytical nature may ruin fiction for you. Try some nonfiction. Try history. There are fewer pictures but history is really cool to read.

Ryan K. Alves

My name is Ryan Alves and i am a freshman at Uk. I am taking a journalism 101 course and have been given the assignment to find and report on my dream job. I have grown up loving comic books and spend most of my days dreaming, usually while i supposed to be doing algebra, about writing for the big names of Batman, The X-Men, and my personal favorite Wolverine. And since you are one of my favorite writers i was wondering if i could ineterview you and ask a few questions through email. I need some advice about getting involved in writing comic books. Right now emailing writers like yourself seems to be my only lead. If you could get back in touch with me then it would be great and very much appreciated. i hope this is not to much trouble for you! thanks again!

Maybe instead of emailing writers, you should try starting out with gentle strokes and kisses. It's all interview, interview, interview with you. You never even tell me I'm pretty anymore.
Or you could just Google "BENDIS INTERVIEW" and plagiarize to your hearts content. I guarantee at least a B-.

Pieter de Boer

Hello Mr. Brian Michael Bendis ,I'm just started with a new hobby , namely collecting photographs with signature.Could you send me a signed photograph.Perhaps are you the first one abroad who send me one,I appreciate it very much.You can instead of take it to the post , send it by email ( a digital photo with signature ).

be lucky , and do fine !

With gentle greetings ,

Gentle greetings accepted and returned. I am lucky and I do do fine. I hope you are also being lucky and doing fine. I am only a contest winner. I will try now right here and now to get you your signed photograph.

Hey Bendis, can this creepy dude have an autographed photograph?***
***Do not give this guy your autographed photograph. Give it to me. I will only masturbate to it. I think Pieter is going to make a mask of it to wear while chanting “Do you want to fuck Bendis?” in the mirror to himself.

Matt Dicker

I have come to the moment that many comic book lovers come to; I have decided to try to write my own comic script. Since I got into comics a short while ago, you have been one of my favorite writers,especially for your work on Daredevil and Ultimate Spidey.

I have looked at a number of books about comics writing, but most are by writers who are from a different era and either aren't writing anymore or aren't writing very often. I was wondering if it would beat all possible for you to send me a script, or even a few pages or a single page, of a past script you have written. I read on your website that you write in Final Draft. I have Final Draft on my computer, so I would be able to view the file. I know this is asking a lot, but you would really be helping out an aspiring comic writer.

I appreciate your time, and I look forward to reading what's coming soon in Ultimate Spidey.

Bendis said he'd send you his old, unused submissions to EROS comics. They're written on tissues in invisible ink made from his own jizzum. ENJOY!

Jason Larouche

I'm a writer with eight years of experience in short stories and articles and have come up with an eight-issue treatment for an Ultimate version of Ghost Rider. What I'd like to know is how to approach Marvel with my idea and who to speak to.

Talk to Tony Isabella. He'll have your ass for stealing his ideas.

Nick

I have never been disappointed by anything you have written.

And some of the stuff I have just loved - The closing story arc of "Alias" (actually all of Alias), the youthful charm and fun of Ultimate Spider-man with its dark undercurrent, the New Avengers (that extraordinary issue with Wanda and Hawkeye).

All very good.

But "Powers" is best.

Why?

For one thing it is not like other established titles which have a winning formula which has to be preserved (against all logic) until it becomes stale. The reader does not know what the hell is going to happen next in "Powers".

Secondly, the stories can go anywhere and do anything they need to, even entering into x-rated sexual encounters. Let me make it clear I despise lazy writers who use sex to 'sell' their stories. In "Powers" nothing is gratuitous.
Thirdly, well the art is, inexplicably, excellent.

I think that working within the medium of superheros you have cunningly written a whole range of story types and experimented with lots of forms. All of your stories have clever and punchy dialogue. All of them have at some time contained ingenious twists.

I only have this one complaint: There is not enough "Powers".

It is the best.

More POWERS please.

Thanks for the great work,

Is cunningly written anything like cunnilingus? If not, I’m not even interested. I am way too turned on from all that gratuitous sex in Powers for anything but cunnilingus.

James.

Hi Brian & Ed (and Joe),

If you want Iron Man to be heroic again, here’s one path you could take.

It’s fairly simple, actually, and it does open the door to allow it.

Suppose Tony Stark really does and has suspected some kind of weird conspiracy inside S.H.I.E.L.D. and HYDRA and even various world governments. How would he fight it? He’d need to throw suspicion off of himself, possibly by integrating himself into the machinery of the very conspiracy he feared, of course. Directorate of S.H.I.E.L.D. which he had a hand in creating after all isn’t a bad idea.

But how does he hope to dig up any dirt on it from such a well watched,public position?Well, clearly he couldn’t.

But a dead man could. What if this whole thing, from the Civil War on, has in part been a smoke screen?

What if it’s a plan? What if it’s Cap’s plan?

We often forget what a brilliant tactician Steve Rogers is. His behaviour in the final confrontation with Iron Man and his forces was,quite honestly, tremendously sub-par. Oh, sure, he won the fight, and then he gave up. Captain America, depicted so often as someone who never gives up, gave up. And then he was assassinated in the most ridiculously contrived scene ever, as every advantage that would have prevented his death was haphazardly neutralised.

Perhaps not so haphazardly. Perhaps Cap wanted to make sure he would be believed as dead as dead can be. After all, while the red, white and blue costume would be conspicuous, what’s just another blandly handsome blond dude wandering around America? No one would notice him.

We forget how many superspies Cap has worked alongside. The Black Widow,Nick Fury, Sharon Carter and most of S.H.I.E.L.D. - there’s a reason Cap took the front line against HYDRA and Madame Viper as many times as he did, a reason that goes beyond tossing a disc at people. Cap’s much smarter, and far more tenacious, and far more gifted tactically than most are willing to give him credit for. They...we... see the big broad grin and the brighyly coloured costume and we forget that this man’s been on the front lines for years, has worked behind the scenes as well as in full view of everyone, that he managed to outfight and outwit everyone from Baron Strucker to the Masters of Evil, from AIM to Doctor Doom. He doesn’t give up, he doesn’t repeat a mistake, he can think on his feet better than anyone, and he’s smart enough to smell a set up a mile away.

If you want to redeem Tony Stark, make him Steve Rogers’ inside man forthe biggest con ever pulled, the conspiracy to deceive Skrulls.

Tony Stark is a Skrull. Tony Stark doesn’t have to redeem himself for any man.

Hi Brian! My name is Salvo and I'm an italian fan of your works! I REALLY LOVE your drawings!!! I don't want to offend you in any way, and I can only imagine how much busy you are, but... is there a way to receive a little and quick "convention style" sketch like an headshot or simply an autograph to me dedicated? What would be the price of that kind of art? You probably receive thousands of similar e-mail everyday, and is not so nice asking for something this way... but I think that I'll never get the opportunity to meet you at some comiconvention, so...

If my request is impossible to realize, don't care, I'll understand!

Thank you very much anyway and my very best wishes for your work!!!You're a great artist!!!

Salvo

P.S. If you want I could send you an addressed envelope and some money for the postage (I don't know if italian postage is good for sending from other countries...)

P.S. excuse my english...

Dressing up in Bendis autographed head shot masks is all the rage in Europe this year.
As a fan of Bendis, I have used to his picture for my enjoyment purposes from http://www.jinxworld.com/. Maybe you could utilize that picture of Bendis for your artistic needs, Pieter & Salvo? All you need is a good photo printer, a can of spray mount, a few popsicle sticks and some cardboard!

Benjamin Ebert

Hello Mr. Bendis, given I've been unable to find a way to e-mail Marvel (do the editors no longer have e-mails these days), I just want to let you know you lost me. I can't imagine anything more anti-climatic than a Skrull invasion. The art is fun, I like your character choices. But after failing to spark my interest with The Collective, making Luke Cage into a much more generically heroic, and now a hyped-up moment that seem to come out of nowhere, rather than neatly tying into what's come before, I have to drop the book. It's one too many letdowns. I'm sorry, I've tried to be supportive of this book, I've been such a rooter-it's such a cool line-up! So much fun stuff happens. But this is such a dull turn when I thought it was finally going to be the big moment tying everything together, and it gives the whole company such a cheap out for past storylines someone doesn't care for. Fewer and fewer places to turn to for good storytelling these days.

Here is what I posted to Marvel.com:

"I do not know where else to post this that Marvel might see it. I have searched their website looking for some way to inform them: I am dropping New Avengers. I have never so quickly turned on a book in all my time reading comics. The art is great, the characters are likable: but could Bendis have possibly chosen a less interesting direction?

This is not the book I look to for a Skrull invasion, the most tired and cheap ploy in the Marvel playbook. It isn't at all what the book has set up; the book has set up a gritty atmosphere full of twists and conspiracies [ninjas, the government, low-level criminals, terrorists]. Not silly looking aliens from outer space. Annihilation put the Skrulls in a new and interesting situation with their empire decimated-can we please let that play out where it makes sense, rather than a book that feels completely unrelated. I thought Mighty Avengers was where we were going to leave the traditional Avengers silliness,
that that was the point. This was the book for new ideas.

I'm sure Bendis thinks he can do it better than it's been done in the past. But it's a boring idea, and seems designed to upset readers. We now have to doubt the stories we've been devoted to-what's the point of doing that? I thought I was reading about Elektra the past few issues and had interesting ideas as to why she'd be leading the Hand-but I never dreamed up this dull, cheap shot. I know Bendis wants us to wait and see-but if you're not telling an interesting story on the way, then forget it. The team looked taken out at the end of last issue, but herein we seem to pick up a few pages before and then ignore the earlier endangerment of the team. Echo comes out of her brainwashing through a deus ex machina ("Hey I've got Dr. Strange-I can skip character development and explanations even more often now").

This issue was built up and hyped-and did it explain anything? Did it do anything interesting? No, it just gives Marvel an easy out, I thought they were good enough to avoid these days: "Hey, it was a Skrull." Who's going to pick this up and do terrible things with it?

I was disappointed that all that's happened to Luke Cage is he's become a much more generically heroic kind of hero. I've been disappointed in items like the needless complications of Xorn and The Collective. But this is the final straw. If the idea was to hook me in-you've done the opposite Marvel. This was the final straw. One more let down I can't abide. Drop."

I am sorry to vent. But when you feel this let down by something you love...it's just a comic book. I need to move on, but I needed to do something first. Make sure my voice is heard, because I know I can't be the only one.

What? WHAT?! Sorry you need to speak up; it's hard to hear your voice from your mom's basement.

Aww...Benjamin, I am only teasing. C'mon, Benny baby, don't do this to us. How long have we known each other through the comics? I thought we had bonded. You can just give that up? You can't abide? You would drop me & Marvel just like that?

I see how you are.

Marvel will miss your readership.

Lee Sterrett

Mr. Bendis, my name is Lee Sterrett. My name is Lee Sterrett. I have read the Spider-man comics ever since I can remember, and when you and Mr. Bagley created Ultimate Spider-man, I was all over it. I have read every existing issue to this current date, and I cannot wait until the next issue in the "Death of a Goblin" storyline.
I have had an idea recently. I have met many people that enjoy regular books far more than graphic novels. I started to wonder what would happen if the Ultimate Spider-man volumns were turned into regular novels, for those more interested in visualizing the images in their head.
I have contacted you to ask your permission to rewrite the Ultimate Spider-man volumns. I do not really expect to get anything from this, just the satisfaction of seeing my name involved in one of the greatest reinterpretations of modern times. If you are interested, please contact me. If not, contact me anyway. I hate having to guess what the answer is. Please.
I would be honored to have you seriously ponder this issue.

Great idea Lee! I love it! I am pondering the seriousness fucking right out of this issue!

Unfortunately for you, I am merely a contest winner.

Plus your idea pretty much sucks.

Thanks for reading my column!

MaryPants
www.myspace.com/marywanna

Quote of the Month!

"I'll buy you a parakeet." - David Letteman to a pouting Paris Hilton.